Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Way Over the Line

It has become something of an obsession.

The following column appeared in our local newspaper this past Sunday, and I cannot get over the sheer conceit and immaturity being demonstrated by the EDITOR . The Editor! I keep wondering what kind of impression this would make on a person from out of town, who might pick up a newspaper to explore job prospects or housing opportunities. What would they think if they read this??? A newspaper is often the first contact potential new residents make with a community before deciding to relocate.

Anyway, I was offended and embarrassed for the community by the content:

Xxxxxxx's Wisdom: No more wisdom is needed



Since I've subjected my readers to my inane, though brilliant, ramblings in every Sunday issue for the last year, I think it's finally time to admit something.

I have no more wisdom to give.

Realistically, I ran out of wisdom about six months ago and I've just been blathering my way through the last 25 or so columns.

To keep going I need something that would spark my artistic creativity - because obviously this is art.

I can't imagine there's anyone who's read all of my ramblings as they've ranged in topic from an elaborate analysis of the second episode of a summer music-reality show to begging for votes in the Chamber of Commerce Business of the Year contest - which we didn't win, not that I'm bitter.

Most of my better columns usually start in longhand in a notebook I keep on my night-table - just like this one did - but some memorable rants, including ones about Burger King and Thanksgiving, were written on the newspaper page.

I generally figure out a topic early in the week and then work out the basic structure and main points of my entertaining little essays in my head. This usually takes a few days but I put it off like a visit to the dentist right after my birthday.

And just as I do on every birthday, I'm going to turn to hip hop to liven things up.

I've decided to start a beef.

I'm going to start calling out names and pointing out who needs to step their column-writing game up - just like 2Pac and 50 Cent taught me.

While there are plenty of big names that I think I can hang with - Jim Litke, Michael Reagan, ... well maybe there aren't that many big name columnists - I'd rather go after someone for whom I have some respect. That means I'll probably have to put off responding to (another columnist's) very special brand of incoherent, Plan D-fueled rants for quite a while.

Instead I want to go after the shining star of the (neighboring town's newspaper) staff- Mr. Xxxx Xxxxx.

I don't remember what he calls his little column, but it should be called Xxxxx' Wisdom because it's a direct knock-off of mine. Obviously it's not as good as mine, but it's not bad for a rookie.

To prove my superiority, I'm going to start jacking his topics and then rewriting them - better - for my column.

This will continue until he either gives up writing his little column or admits, in writing, that he is my disciple.

Since I have something special on slate for next week, I'm going to give him an extra week to get scared and give up.

Peace out.

Okay, so now it's your turn. Am I overreacting? Is it asking too much for me to expect this guy to come unstuck on himself and turn his literary brilliance to matters with slightly more substance, such as the upcoming vote on whether to allow alcohol sales.

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