Today, I feel a peace that I haven't felt for a long time. I am tired--even my bones are tired--yet for the time being, I am content. I know that God is working on me, and He isn't finished with me yet. My struggles with my personal demons are but one step in the tempering process that will produce the finished steel of the highest quality. If I can make it through this period of my life (where I am middle-aged and living with my in-laws so that I can work two jobs to put my middle-aged husband through college), I know will become a stronger person. I have certainly "been through the fire" as the saying goes. Multiple instances of drug addiction since high school, some sporadic physical abuse, spouse's job losses, death of close family members, etc. It was quite a blessing for law enforcement to have intervened when they did--although at the time, it certainly felt like a "crash and burn" moment.
I consider it a gift that God gave me the strength to follow through with my committment to my marriage. "Till death do us part" is a long damn time. But would He have wanted me to abandon my committment when the going got rough? (And believe me--it got ROUGH.) I think not, if only for my daughter's sake. Speaking of whom, it is indeed another gift that she has become the strong young woman she is today. She, too, has been through much. I tried with all I had to shield her from the very worst of what was happening, but she knew. She could see for herself how drugs were affecting her dad. She never used what was happening to us as an excuse not to do her very best, when she could have easily done so. Now, I have almost no fear that she will have a burning desire to experiment with drugs/alcohol--she has already seen first-hand what they will do to you. And it ain't pretty.
Which brings me to the now. I know now that what I have been working for all my life is this moment, when all is laid bare and there is no more hiding from the truth. We have hit rock bottom and have started back up. It won't be easy, but with God as my co-pilot, I can reach my destination...I have found peace.
Today I count my blessings and pray for continued strength . It is well with my soul.